Rain, Rain, Go Away
by Sandylee007
Summary: TAKES PLACE BETWEEN EPISODES 3X1 AND 3X2. There's only so much one can take. Losing his post as the High Warlock is the final straw for Magnus. One rainy night Alec faces a sad, terrifying side of his boyfriend he's only seen hints of before. And tries desperately to help. MALEC ONESHOT TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS


A/N: DARK FIC ALERT! (smirks sheepishly) Well… Not THE DARKEST kind, since there's no character death alert. BUT, we're about to dive into some murky waters. This became quite long but I didn't have the heart to split this into two parts.

DISCLAIMER: BUAH-HAH-HAA! Yeeeeeah, right… Nope, me no own. If I DID own anything, the TV-show would have A LOT more Malec in it…

WARNINGS: DEPPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, some bits of not exactly appropriate language… Still not counting Malec as something to warn about because they're PRECIOUS together. Besides, if you're here, it means that you're happily in the ship with me. (grins)

TAKES PLACE: Somewhere between episodes 3x1 and 3x2 of the show. (I'm taking the liberty to assume that there was at least about a week or two of a time-gap between them.)

WOAH, that was a long author's note. BUT, it's time to get to the actual business. I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride, although it'll be a bit dark and sad.

(SONG I LISTENED TO WHILE TYPING THIS AND CHOSE THE TITLE AFTER: 'Rain' from Breaking Benjamin)

* * *

 ** _Rain, Rain, Go Away_**

* * *

Being in a relationship… It was new, exciting and far too often terrifying for Alec. Especially when it came to the… emotional stuff. Reading social cues and understanding feelings wasn't one of those many things the Institute had taught him. He'd been taught to protect and destroy, not to care for someone. Which, when he was sucked into the whirlwind that was being with Magnus, meant that he was bound to have great many misconceptions. After all, only precious few learn to walk without stumbling a few times.

One of his biggest mistakes was constantly falling into Magnus' 'I'm alright' trap. A big part of him was only human, after all. Wasn't it only natural, only human, that he _wanted to_ believe that someone he loved was alright? Especially when Alec himself was so damned happy about actually having found love that it scared him sometimes.

Another mistake was imagining too often that Magnus was invincible. (Could anyone really blame Alec on wanting his boyfriend to be indestructible?) Even after everything that'd happened to Magnus in such a shockingly brief amount of time. Losing an old friend when Ragnor Fell died and later very likely losing Dot as well, having to send his ex-turned-murderous-psychopath to the Clave, Valentine's attack and the devastating impact it had on the Downworld, the body-swap with Valentine and the torture, the Agony rune and endless memory-infused nightmares it triggered, the whole Soul Sword nightmare, losing his position as the High Warlock… Through all that Magnus stayed in motion, answered to everyone's constant cries for help and support. There was more than enough chaos to keep everyone from noticing Magnus' own need for help, aside a few brief moments when that façade cracked.

' _Guess I'm a better actor than I thought_ ', Magnus himself once said.

That rainy day there was no one needing Magnus' help. Alec woke up a few minutes earlier than he would've needed to and reached out instinctively, then frowned at the empty side of the bed. "Magnus?" This was eerily familiar…

No answer came. Climbing out of the bed and starting to get dressed, stiff and sore for all the best reasons, Alec shivered upon feeling a faint breath of cool air. A closer inspection revealed Magnus stood on the balcony. The warlock's hair was done to perfection but there was no trace of makeup or nail polish. Alec felt a thud at how beautiful and young his hundreds of years old boyfriend looked without all the warpaint. It was such a rare, spectacular sight that he spoke up the second Magnus sensed him and almost unnoticeably lifted a hand. "Don't", he requested, with gentleness reserved for one person alone. "I love that face, remember?"

Magnus' eyes softened while he complied. A small smile graced the man's face as soon as their gazes met. "Morning."

Alec was powerless against that smile and responded with a similar one, which lasted even through a kiss. "It would've been a good morning if I didn't wake up to an empty bed. Again." His eyebrows furrowed while he worked his hardest to see through his boyfriend's Mona Lisa's smile. "Are you okay?"

Magnus nodded and kissed him a second time. "I'm fine. The rain woke me."

Alec shivered and wrapped his arms protectively around his beloved. "Let's go back inside. I hate rain."

Magnus snapped his fingers. Suddenly Alec felt comfortably warm again and soft, hauntingly beautiful music floated from the apartment. There was a great deal of love, tenderness and something far darker, almost like despair, in the eyes meeting his. "Maybe we can stay, just for a moment?"

Something about it all felt… bizarre to Alec. But there was no way he would've ever said 'no' to spending time with the man he loved. So when Magnus wrapped a pair arms around him he followed the example. Soon they were swaying softly to the music. When Magnus stepped even closer Alec was more than happy to take the hint and hold on tighter. Even if he was confused as to what brought… this on.

The moment was achingly beautiful. But sadly, that was what it was doomed to be. Only a fleeting moment. Because Alec's phone chimed, and he groaned upon finding an urgent message calling him to the Institute.

Magnus shuddered. For a second, perhaps two, Alec caught a trace of something alarming and heartbreaking. But it faded away so quickly that he wondered if it was a trick of his imagination. "Go do your job, Shadowhunter."

Alec wanted to go, because it really was his job, it was what he was born to do. And he didn't want to go, because something about this all felt a little too fragile. He'd been conflicted like this quite a bit since meeting Magnus. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Magnus' smile was flawless. (He'd had centuries to perfect it, after all.) "I'm sure." They shared a one more kiss. "I'll see you later at Hunter's Moon."

Alec wished there was time to pry further. More time to figure out why something felt so wrong. He gave the other a gentle squeeze before letting go begrudgingly. "I love you." He said it because he needed Magnus to hear it, to remember it.

Magnus looked at him for a long while. Like someone determined to memorize every little detail. "I love you, too."

Alec was still reluctant to go. But he did, because he had to do his duty. Once the apartment's door closed behind him, he was left haunted by a vague feeling of dread.

* * *

The rainy day and evening had already been torturously long when Alec entered Hunter's Moon. Quite honestly, he would've just wanted to go home – because that was what Magnus' apartment was, now – for some couple-time to make sure that his boyfriend was alright. But they'd agreed with Clary, Jace, Simon and Maia to have a sort of a triple-date to celebrate the vampire's return from… visiting the Seelie Queen. (Izzy had also been invited but she claimed that she was busy. Alec tried not to wonder who or what she was busy with.) Alec's social tact wasn't stellar, but even he suspected that 'I've got a bad feeling' wasn't an acceptable excuse for skipping such a get together. He tensed up just a little further upon discovering that Magnus wasn't there yet.

Simon, ever the optimist despite being a living dead, shrugged at his unvoiced but evident worry. Of course the vampire knew immediately who his gaze was seeking from the crowd. "This is Magnus we're talking about. He'll just make a dramatic entrance later."

Alec tried to share that optimism. Maybe he was overthinking again. "I guess so."

Over the hour that followed Alec decided that he wasn't in the mood for seeing how much Simon and Maia clearly enjoyed being together again. Instead his attention shifted towards Jace and Clary, and his eyebrows furrowed.

The closer he looked, the more he could sense that something was… off. Clary was clearly happy, in the utterly oblivious, enchanted way someone in love could be. But Jace… While worry stirred his Paratabai rune tingled ever so slightly. As did something else, when he suddenly felt like he was watching himself and Magnus. (One too in love to notice that the other wasn't quite alright.) The nasty, cold sensation that realization brought struck all the way to his bones. Made him gulp down half a beer at a speed that nearly left him choking. In seconds he registered that the drink was so bitter he wanted to throw up.

He didn't know that he looked like might vomit until Simon piped up. "Uh, Alec?" The vampire looked at him with a mixture of worry and surprise. "Is… everything okay?"

Now that, was an excellent question. One Alec didn't have an answer to. Magnus' voice echoed in his head.

/ _"I'm not okay, because you're not okay."_ /

Fortunately he was spared from having to answer because his phone started buzzing. He picked up the second he saw who the caller was and pinched the bridge of his nose in effort to not snap. "Where are you? It's…" He trailed off upon hearing rain, wind and cars from the other end. The bad feeling that'd plagued him all day began to transform into genuine fear. "Magnus?"

It took entirely too long before Magnus finally answered. The words definitely weren't soothing, especially because they were spoken in a nearly unfamiliar, muffled voice. " _I… I'm so sorry, but… I don't think I can make it there._ "

Alec frowned. A heavy weight made itself known on top of his chest. "What's going on?" was the most he managed to squeeze out.

Magnus was quiet. Too quiet, too long. " _Can you tell Simon I'm sorry for not coming?_ "

Alec's frown deepened while the cold intensified. "I can give him the phone, so you can tell him yourself. But what's going on?"

By then the whole gang had figured out that something wasn't right. Clary was staring at him with fright in her eyes, just like Simon. Jace was tense, definitely sensing his growing anxiety. Maia was frowning. Alec barely noticed any of them.

Again it took far too long before there was a reply. " _I… don't know._ " It was painful to hear Magnus sound so defeated. " _I… went for a walk. To clear my head. And now…_ " Was that a sob or a hysterical chuckle? " _I suppose I'm stuck._ "

Alec bounced up, his heart racing. His whole body was preparing for a fight as adrenaline spiked up. "Where are you?" He sounded harsher than he'd meant to.

Magnus hesitated. " _On a bridge near that park we went through on our second date._ " (If he'd been in a state of mind to pay attention, Alec would've seen the fast dawning horror in Simon's eyes when the vampire's unnaturally sharp ears caught the word 'bridge'.) When the warlock went on he sounded as embarrassed as pained, obviously hated being vulnerable like this. " _I just… I needed to hear your voice. You don't have to…_ "

Alec couldn't stand hearing another word. "Magnus, stop!" _Stop pushing me away when you're trying to ask me for help!_ He swallowed convulsively, all possible alarm bells going off in his head. "I'll be right there, okay? Just… Just stay where you are." _PLEASE…!_

There was hesitation. Again. But at last… " _I'll be here._ "

Alec put away the phone because as much as he needed to have Magnus on the line, it would've only slowed him down. Upon doing so he finally became aware of his captive audience. "What's wrong?" Clary was the fastest to ask, her eyes shining with fear that echoed Alec's.

Alec shook his head, partially to clear it. "I… don't know." Not knowing made him feel an unhelpful bout of rage. As did glancing Simon's way, to notice that the vampire clearly knew a great deal more than he did, if that sheer terror was any indication. Quickly he decided to file away the slash of hurt that realization brought for later. Right now he had to _go_ , before, before, _before_ … "I'll text you guys later." With that he activated his Speed rune and rushed to motion, the dread he'd been feeling all day exploding and consuming him. He'd only ever experienced that type of fear once.

* * *

The slight rain from earlier had escalated to a full downpour by the time Alec reached the given location. He was wet and exhausted. All that, however, faded to a distant background when he finally saw his boyfriend.

Magnus stood at the highest point of the bridge he mentioned during the phone call. One hand squeezing the railing, the other a phone he never remembered to put away. The hold was so tight that knuckles had lost almost all their color. The warlock's whole frame was so tense that it was hard to tell if he was still breathing. The worst, however, was the lost and thoroughly haunted look in those eyes.

It was a horrible, unsettling look, the emotions behind which Alec had only ever experienced briefly under a spell.

The fear that struck Alec all of a sudden was so intense that it made his knees go weak. He wanted to run. Wanted to rush forward as quickly as his Speed rune allowed, to drag Magnus as far away from that bridge as possible. He wanted to call out, scream at the top of his voice. But it was as though his legs were made of lead and his throat closed up. Painfully slowly, dragging his feet, he went closer. The whole time his lips were open for pleas that never fell from his tongue.

Magnus sensed him long before seeing him, in that peculiar way they could often tell the other was close. The man tensed up further while blinking furiously. It took a long time before those eyes turned towards him, more vulnerable and pained than Alec had ever seen them. Magnus' lips parted but in the end nothing but a weary, agonized gasp came out.

Alec didn't even try to stop himself. The second he reached his boyfriend he wrapped his arms around him, pulled the trembling man as close to him as possible. Almost like trying to melt them together. "Let's go home", was all he managed of the million words spinning around in his screaming head. When there was no immediate answer, other than Magnus slowly starting to hold him back, he tightened his embrace still. And succeeded in dragging them that one, tiny but all-important step away from the bridge's railing. For once in his life pride didn't mean a thing. He was begging when he repeated himself. "You called me because you wanted me to come to you, right? So let's go home." _PLEASE…!_

Alec didn't breathe again until he felt Magnus leaning his head against his shoulder. The barely audible whisper which followed wasn't much but made the world stop spinning, shaking and crumbling. "Okay."

With a seemingly effortless flick of a wrist Magnus opened a portal. Alec didn't waste a second. One hand against the warlock's back and the other hand grabbing a greedy hold of a far too cold one, he pushed both of them through. The second they landed to the familiar penthouse apartment, both too tense to make their landing graceful, Magnus' knees buckled. Like opening the portal and walking through it had taken the last of his strength. Faster than a lightning, Alec caught him easily and they stumbled awkwardly to the floor. Both trembling from far more than their rapidly cooling wet clothes.

There was so, so much Alec wanted to say. The way Magnus twitched suggested that he would've wanted to say something, too. But the weight of those words was too much and the man buried his head to the crook of Alec's neck instead, strands of damp hair tickling the shadowhunter's sensitive skin.

They were closer than close, physically, but Alec still had a horrible feeling that the warlock in his arms was slipping away. He swallowed thickly in an unsuccessful attempt to get rid of the lump in his throat and closed his eyes. The body tucked against him was so cold… "Do you… wanna talk about it?" He was absolutely pathetic when it came to _talking_. But wasn't something like this supposed to be talked through, even if he didn't have the faintest idea where to start? He needed to do _something_ , because the panic and frustrated fury over feeling useless were maddening.

Magnus, predictably, shook his head.

Alec bit his lip to hold back an irritated groan. His boyfriend seriously wasn't making this any easier…! "Okay, okay." Whenever there was a problem that had him… emotionally compromised, his default setting was to lash out at the often invisible threat. To push, push and push, until something caved. But he had a feeling that it was the last thing Magnus needed right now. So he had to try and do better. He clenched his jaw and inhaled a couple of shuddering breaths, until he stopped seeing the red of panic and anger. "I'll just… I'll ask you something. That's all. And you'll answer honestly." It sounded deviously simple. "A nod, or a shake of a head. Think you can manage that?" His voice was barely recognizable with how hoarse it was, but that hardly mattered at the moment.

Magnus nodded, barely noticeably but still.

Alec inhaled as much as he could from the invisible wand wrapped around his chest. The hellish pressure eased slightly when he let his hand comb through his boyfriend's drenched hair. Pulling the warlock closer with one arm turned out to be even more helpful. Even so, he was terrified out of his mind when he finally trusted his voice enough to test it again. "Is this the first time you're… feeling this way?"

Magnus hesitated before shaking his head.

Alec's heart ached and he closed his eyes while tightening his hold on his boyfriend. "Have you felt this way before while we've been… together?" It was hardly the most important thing. But the thought of Magnus suffering like this, right under his very eyes without him noticing… It made Alec feel sick.

This shake of a head was a clearer one. It loosened a fraction of the tension inside Alec. He hadn't been blind enough to miss this before. At least there was that tiny bit of bittersweet comfort. Feeling a breathtaking, knife-sharp burst of affection, he nuzzled his head against the warlock's. (Who still felt too cold in his arms.) For a second – or far longer, because it was impossible to keep track of time – he just breathed, held on with the solemn determination to never let go. Gathered strength for the next, far scarier question. "Did I… do something, to trigger this?" Another default setting of Alec's. Whenever there was a problem, especially when something was wrong with his loved ones, his head tried to come up with a way to blame him for it. He mulled over the past few days, tried to figure out just where he went wrong…

Magnus, however, shook his head firmly. A ring-decorated hand grabbed his and squeezed lightly, almost feebly. ('No such thing', Alec could nearly hear although it wasn't voiced.)

Alec chose to draw some more relief from that. Because he had to, needed to. They were both trembling and suddenly the, as he'd imagined, all-powerful man squashed against his chest felt incredibly fragile. Everything about that horrible night felt fragile.

Alec didn't want to ask the next question. But he knew that he had to, no matter how much the answer would hurt. He braved himself with a forced, painfully deep breath. "On the bridge…" His voice faded away and he squeezed his eyes more tightly shut when something moist traveled down his cheek. "Were you going to…?" He, someone who'd faced countless of intense battles, couldn't voice the rest. After everything they'd gone through before this point… Even with all his fears and insecurities… This was something Alec had never, ever thought of being afraid of. That the warlock who stretched himself thin to make those he cared about happy, who made _him_ happy for the first time in his life, would be depressed enough to…

Waiting for a reaction was nothing short of torture. Later, Alec couldn't decide which one was worse. The waiting, or the answer.

Magnus shrugged stiffly.

Alec shuddered under the blow of that confirmation. His mouth opened, once more full of pleas and more questions. None of them came out. He just held on and fought with all his might to not imagine how close he just came to losing someone irreplaceable and precious.

Minutes stretched on endlessly. The whisper came so suddenly that it startled them both. "I'm sorry." Magnus had purposefully turned his head away from him. "That I'm… like this. And that I ruined Simon's party."

Something thudded inside Alec painfully. "Hey." With a gentle, cautious hand he turned his boyfriend's head until their eyes met. "There's no need to apologize." He kissed Magnus' forehead, leaving them both with a tingling sensation. "I love you, and I want you to be happy. Let me help you." _Please don't push me away…!_

Magnus tensed up, clearly fighting a war in his mind. Then the warlock sighed heavily, sounding like someone who'd lived far too long and carried far too much burden. "I'm tired." It wasn't an answer to anything but it was clearly the best Magnus could offer at the moment.

And Alec forced himself into accepting that, despite the red hue of frustration threatening to rise again. "Let's change to dry clothes. Then we'll try to get some sleep." He didn't think he'd get a wink of rest after… all this. But Magnus looked just about ready to collapse.

Magnus offered no acceptance or resistance, only allowed himself to be led and handled. Alec didn't feel like wondering if it was trust or numb resignation. Roughly ten minutes later found them from the massive bed they'd shared through several nights.

Alec was absolutely certain that Magnus had succumbed to his fatigue. Which was why the barely audible words startled him for a second. "Alexander? I love you, too. And… Thank you, for coming to get me."

Alec kissed his boyfriend, with all the love he'd been so very scared of for a long time. "I'll always come and get you when you need me", he swore. And wasn't sure if he'd ever meant anything he'd said quite so much.

It wasn't quite a smile. But Magnus' eyes, heartbreakingly old and weary now, softened. "I know. That's… why I called you." The vulnerable gaze was turned away, just like the warlock often hid his face when feeling like his eyes might reveal too much.

Alec's heart shattered and soared. He caressed his boyfriend gently. "I'm glad you called me", he announced firmly. (By the angel, if Magnus hadn't…!) He swallowed thickly, not liking the lump rising to his throat all over again. "Magnus? Promise me that if you ever… feel like this again… you'll call me. I need you to call me." _I need you._ His eyebrows furrowed when there was no reply. "Magnus?"

There, tucked lovingly against him and partially on top of him, Magnus had fallen asleep. Battle weary, all the years he'd lived fully visible for once. But safe.

Alec shivered when his phone buzzed. After double-checking that his boyfriend's much needed rest hadn't been disturbed, he inspected the message. It was from Simon. ' _Everything okay?_ '

Alec sighed, greedily inhaling the scent he associated with home and Magnus. (When did those two become synonymous?) He spent a few stolen moments watching his beloved sleeping. Then typed a message back. ' _Not yet. But we're getting there._ '

Alec knew that in the morning Magnus would do his best to act like everything was okay, embarrassed about having stumbled and lost his way like this. The warlock would avoid and deflect the _talk_ they absolutely needed to have after a night like this. And eventually Alec would probably fall back into the sea of insecurities and anger, lash out and stumble in his own way. He'd ache from Magnus opening up to someone else instead of him, again. From not being trusted, no matter how firmly he'd told Magnus that he'd never have to pretend how he felt, especially with him. (It _hurt_ , especially because Magnus had… well, unlocked something in Alec to a point where he felt like he could share almost _anything_ with him. Most of the time, anyway.) One day soon, after overthinking enough, he'd probably become paranoid over what more horrible secrets were locked inside his boyfriend's head and heart. What else was Magnus hiding from him? Would the warlock ever really trust him, especially when the man he loved needed him?

But for now… For now he'd just hold on, for the both of them. He'd make sure that Magnus would find his way back from the dark. Because he still had the chance to do that. For now that was enough. _This_ was enough.

Outside rain finally stopped pouring down while Alec lay wide awake, feeling like he was holding his whole world in his arms and trying to keep its shattered pieces together.

* * *

End

* * *

A/N: Poor babies! (whimpers) My motivation for typing this? I feel like Alec NEEDS TO and deserves to know that… sadder side of Magnus the warlock reluctantly revealed to Simon early on in season 2. Especially because the kind of depression Magnus was revealed to suffer from on occasion ISN'T the kind of a problem that ever goes away entirely, and the poor dear has gone through SO… MUCH. (whimpers again) ALSO, I was just sniffing around for an excuse to type another Malec fic. (grins)

ON A FAR MORE SERIOUS NOTE: If you EVER feel the way Magnus does in this fic, do like he eventually does and ASK FOR HELP. LIFE IS PRECIOUS (even after a few hundred years).

SOOO… Was that ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me know!

ANOTHER NOTE: How would you feel about a Malec Christmas oneshot…?

THANK YOU, so much, for reading this! Who knows. Maybe I'll see you around again?

Take care – of yourselves and all the Magnuses out there!


End file.
